You don't have to be an extraordinary man...

Author's note: This is something I was working on a couple of weeks before the SNL sketch. I didn't see it but It must be in the zeitgeist.

You don't have to be an extraordinary man to not have sex with underage girls. You don't have to know a lot about car engines, or robots or how to code a video game, or farming. You don't have to have a lot of money or know what the planets are or any type of astronomy for that matter. You don't have to know how electricity is made or how to make cook fancy meals. You just have to be an ordinary, run of the mill, decent man. If you meet an underage girl somewhere, say a rest stop at a highway, a storage locker in some isolated parking lot, or your weird friend's house - you should operate from the position that she doesn't want to have sex with you and is probably doing it under duress. Say you're trolling down your usual pros block and you see a girl who is obviously too young to give consent - maybe she's walking unsteadily in her high heels or doesn't' know who to hold a cigarette - why don't you call the police and have her picked up. Or better yet. Let her into your car and give her a ride to somewhere where she won't be hurt. Isn't it hilarious all of the things you can do instead of having sex with a minor? There's tons of stuff. And you don't have to be rich - although if you are you rich take the young girl out for a hamburger and a shake. I bet she would love it. Or you could bring her to a safe house. Or even pay for a nice hotel room so she could have a bath and a good night's sleep. That could be a thing you could do - you know - instead of having sex with her. Even if she's your step-daughter, or niece or your neighbor's daughter, or the clerk at the grocery store. Maybe she's walking home from a yogurt place -- you don't have to have sex with her. It's crazy I know that you could put the needs of a young girl before your own grown man needs but I promise you - it's possible. Millions of men are doing it every day and you can be one of them! Think about it the next time you're perusing your favorite underage porn site. Or meet a coyote who's smuggling in loads of girls and forcing them into prostitution for payback. I'm not saying your sexual needs aren't important. I'm just suggesting that they might not be the most important. Even though almost every commercial on television is about your erection. What to do with it. How to get it where you want it. How to keep it there. And I know that it seems that as a nation your erection is our priority. But unless there is some serious consensual fucking that needs to be done - with an adult woman or man - no body cares about your erection. Not one person.

So that's pretty much it. Try really hard not to have sex with underage girls. Don't worry about setting the bar too high - just try to be an regular, nice, brother, father, or friend who uses your erections responibly and doesn't have sex with underage girls. Or even better - don't marry them. If you're getting pressure from your 'community' to marry, say a 10 year old. Don't do it. You'll be so happy you didn't. But even more happy will be that little girl, daughter, neice, grandaughter or neighbor who will be so glad to be playing in her room and dancing with her friends than having to have sex with you.